Coaching & Mentoring
My client is my best friend, Fatima. She is from Abu Dubai – United Arabs of Emirates – she’s 20 years old. Fatima is in her second year studying Environmental Engineering. We have met in 2006 when we were doing our foundation year here in Leeds University. We came to Leeds and no one knows each other; in our first day we smiled to each other and started with a small conversation and day by day we got close to each other.
As we get along, I found out that Fatima is experiencing a problem with herself and how she manages her time. At first, I thought she was just on the process of adjusting. With this, I feel the need of helping her so I decided to coach her and become her mentor.
My first session with her was on February 7, 2009, Saturday night at 10’oclock in my flat. I felt boring because we’re just at home doing nothing. When we started the conversation, I could see that she felt lazy and she doesn’t display any interest in conversing with me. She seemed disappointed and boring. During our talk, she unconsciously makes her voice loud sometimes. As we get along with our conversation, I could sense that she is becoming excited and she has a good eye contact with me.
Our session is about the difficulty of Fatima in managing her time. She is hard up on how to do her of lab reports, quizzes, exams, and other requirements in her studies. Also she can hardly find time for herself. There are times when she forgot to do and/or submit her assignments and other school requirements on the deadline.
With her difficulties, I tried to explain to her that she needs to allocate her time to make her reports, study her lessons, and do other requirements. With this, she agreed on my suggestion that she get a small calendar notebook to put in her handbag where she could write down all her assignments and their deadline so that she won’t forget here submission deadlines. Furthermore, she will use that calendar notebook to write her exam and quiz schedules. That way, she will have time to prepare herself before her exams or quizzes. She also agreed to make a studying schedule that will include the day, time, and subject that she will read or study. She needs to observe all those schedules on time to avoid cramming or running for the deadline. It will be nice that if she submits all her requirements on time, she will give a reward to herself like watching a movie or eating somewhere where she could enjoy. I suggested her to make Fridays and Sundays as her time to study and do her school requirements, and make Saturday as her free day to give time for herself which she favored.
With Fatima’s difficulty, I decided to think of other ways on how I could help her get more organized in the following days. What I needed to follow up with her is the notebook calendar and her schedules, as well as her tone of voice when conversing with somebody. I have to constantly remind her to use her calendar notebook and observe the schedules that she set for deadline submissions, for studying, and for giving time to herself also. Further, I need to remind her to stop wasting her time to unnecessary things, instead, utilize her time wisely so that she could meet all her requirements on time.
After our session, I was left with the thought that Fatima really needs somebody who will guide and help her to get focused and organized in all her daily activities in school and in the home.
As we parted, I told her that we will be continuing our conversation later to evaluate if she has improved on something or if she needs my assistance. We then decided to resume our talk on March 1, 2009 which is Sunday at 8Pm in Fatima’s flat.
In this second session, I felt good. However, I could sense that my friend is frustrated, easily irritated, and stressed. Although her tone of voice was normal, I perceive that she’d gone through something bad.
Our session this time was focused on Fatima’s difficulty in her classes. As she relates her story, I found out that Fatima is always late for twenty (20) minutes in her lecture classes. As a result, her classmates and lecturer looks at her to let her feel she’s late. There are also times when she would lie to her teachers just to give her an extension of deadlines for her projects and assignments because she was not able to finish them on time.
Furthermore, she crams the night before her examinations because she was not able to study earlier. As a result, she cannot read all the chapters they’ve taken in their past lectures and she feels bad and depressed about it. She can no longer concentrate. All she could do is to tell herself that she doesn’t care if she will have to take a retest. However, inside me, I could feel that somehow, she is depressed because she is guilty of not following her schedules to study. She definitely wants to pass but because she did not study her lessons, she is hard up. At the end of the day, Fatima returns home very tired and in a very bad mood that she don’t like to talk to anybody.
Upon hearing her story, I felt that she needs to refresh herself and get motivated. I explained to her the importance of having a goal as motivating factor to move forward despite of her difficulties. I told her that if she has a goal, then by all means, she needs to strive to reach that goal. We then agreed that she has to set goals that she is capable of achieving by end of the semester. I encouraged her through relating the movie of “the secret’ where believing and trusting in one’s self is very important. Through this movie, I explained to her that believing and trusting in herself is very important driving force for her to do what she can actually do without any hesitation. Unless she changed her negative perspective about herself into a positive one, she will never achieve her goals because she is easily discouraged by simple criticisms and embarrassment from others. After my explanation, we agreed that she will have her “secret” notebook where she will list all her goals or what she wants to attain at the end of the semester. This includes getting an A grade and graduating with honors. I told her to keep reminding herself that she can do it. She can attain these goals by being consistent with her schedules and focusing herself in her studies and avoid wasting her time by just watching movies.
After our session, I realize that Fatima has a very high goal in aiming to graduate with honors. Considering her attitude, I am afraid for her to get disappointed if she will not be able to attain this. I was thinking that it should have been safer for Fatima to aim just to pass. However, I give her the benefit of the doubt and look forward for Fatima’s success. Further, I was left with the thought that Fatima really needs to organize her time and set her priorities according to their importance so that she will determine the things which should be attended first before the others. Also, I pondered on the need to change her sleeping time schedule. It is not good for her to stay up late until 5 in the morning and wake up at 8 giving her only three hours of sleep. She has to sleep and rest for at least 5 hours to keep her awake in school and participate actively in her class. Sleep is very important also for her mind to function very well.
With this session, I feel the need to follow her up to motivate her every time she feels disappointed. I also wanted to monitor her participation and attitude inside her classes. At the end of the semester, I will evaluate her performance basing from her “secret” notebook to see if she achieved her goals and for her to set another goals in the following semester.
As I continue to monitor her, we decided to set our third session in my flat on March 8, 2009, Sunday at 7:30 in the evening. This time, I could sense that Fatima is feeling nervous and stressed. Her tone of voice is normal and she is in good mood. However, I felt there is something wrong with her because her eyes seem to wonder to something else.
Our session was focused on Fatima’s eating and dressing habits. Fatima eats very quickly when she feels pressured; she usually spills her drinks or foods in her clothes or in the table or even in the clothes of others. This way, she gets embarrassed in front of other people. The problem here is, Fatima cannot manage her feelings especially when pressured. She is easily affected and it shows in her actions.
When it comes to her dressing habit, she is a type of person who is not easily contented with what she wears. Fatima could spend two hours just for choosing what clothes to wear. There are even times when she changes her mind and decides to change her clothes in the last minute. In deciding what to wear, she always consults somebody that includes me if I am with her, to see if her clothes suit her. However, there are times when she disagrees with those people whom she consults and decides to look for other clothes. Another problem with her is that, she is not confident enough with herself, like when somebody praises her because that person thinks she is gorgeous, she felt very shy instead of gaining more confident.
With these problems, we agreed that if I am with her, I will constantly remind her to eat slowly is she starts eating quickly to avoid her foods to spill. I will also calm her and let her relax so that she could eat comfortably. On the other hand, when it comes to hear dress or outfit, she must confident in herself and stop worrying as to how she looks because she is fine. She needs to act naturally with any dress she wore so that she will not be dealing with her anxieties whether she looks good or not.
After this session, I feel the need of looking for ways on how to help her become more confident. As I continue to be with her, I will coach her on how to act naturally and with self confidence in front of other people no matter what I wear because what is important is I’m comfortable with my clothes.
Our fourth session was on the 20th day of March, 2009, that is Friday at 5PM in Fatima’s flat. Our focus this time went back to Fatima’s problem on managing her time to do all her school requirements and her negative perception about herself. After the three sessions, she still finds difficulties in keeping things in order most especially in following her schedules. She cannot study her lessons on the scheduled time and she still attends to her classes late. Moreover, she can’t study for a long span of hours. She easily gives up when she feels that she is hard up in a certain subject. She doesn’t have the initiative to make efforts in making further reading or researching for her topic so that she could understand more.
The most difficult problem here is her negative perception of herself. Instead of saying she can do it, she says otherwise. In short, she doesn’t believe in her capability to attain success. She doesn’t have enough fighting spirit. She feels disappointed with her performance. She also thinks negatively about her sponsor supervisor and her parents’ reaction if they will know that she failed. Fatima is very hard to motivate because she already instill in her mind that she cannot succeed. All she wanted was to finish her examinations, failed or not, and go back home.
After this session, I felt pity for her. I was left with the thought that I need to continue coaching her until she will be able to understand herself and her capabilities. I find it hard for her to realize the things that she can do in a short time. I understand that she need more time for herself and discover who she really is and what can actually achieve. I need to guide her to see things positively. But first, I have to point out what the problem really is, in a way that she will understand herself.
After letting Fatima understand the problem, I will remind her of her goals and her real aim in attending her classes. Also, I will let her develop her own goals for the future. Through the sessions we’ve been together, I came to understand that she actually wants to make her parents and sponsor supervisor happy. She was just frustrated because she feels that she is unable to meet her own expectation which is a result of her negative belief of herself.
After all the four coaching and mentoring series, I came to the realization that Fatima lacks confident in herself and that she is easily discouraged and disappointed. Fatima is a type of person who needs close supervision and guidance from other people in order to overcome her difficulties. This is where the importance of coaching and mentoring comes in. It is necessary for to be guided by another person so that she could be able to determine her weaknesses and work out on it. Weaknesses should not hamper her towards her goal. These are supposed to be viewed as challenge that will lead her towards the achievement of her goals.
From this coaching and mentoring experience, I’ve learned that it is important to consider the uniqueness of every individual in order to understand their behavior. Uniqueness of individual would mean that each person has their own way of reacting to different situations based from their experiences and beliefs. It is not easy then to understand what a person is undergoing unless we look beyond the situation. In coaching a client, it will be effective if the coach will see the client’s situation in different angles and consider those which have caused the client to react that way or to behave that way. It is very important to understand that the attitudes, feelings, beliefs, and behavior of the client are somehow affected by his upbringing in life, his situation, his culture, and his own experiences in life, in the family, and in his surroundings. This way, the coach will be able to devise effective ways of coaching the client. I, being the coach, need to be open-minded then so that I could consider all angles of my client’s behaviors and attitudes and be able to coach her better. This will help me look for ways to motivate her, uplift her spirit, help her look on the bright side of her situation, and guide her so that she will not repeat those mistakes she did in the past. Instead, she will look at those mistakes as a learning experience that will help her deal with other problems and situations in the future with a firm heart and stronger mind.
